Saturday, January 01, 2005

Introducing... The Vast Right Wing Negrocon Zionist Conspiracy

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of All Ages... I wish to announce a new thing for the tinfoil hat crowd to ponder, pontificate upon, and believe in...

THE VASTRIGHT WING NEGRO-CON ZIONIST CONSPIRACY!!!! *grins evilly* This is a belief that Black folks and Zionists are all scheming to oppress the poor and take over the USA....

According to the conspiracy theorists, the goals of this new conspiracy are as follows:

1) Change the official battle song of the USA from "Battle Hymn of the Republic" to LL Cool J's "Bad"

2) Make Ebonics an official code language for the United States Armed Forces *Hey, if most Americans can't understand it, how in all of God's Creation would the enemy?*

3) US currency will no longer be known as "dollars" but will be known as "billz"

4) Job Experience and knowledge will no longer be know as such... instead, they will be called, "The skills that pay the bills"

5) Getting together for sex will now be officially called, "Booti Call"

6) Weed will be legal EVERYWHERE, but only for those over 21

7) All new cars will come with hydraulics as standard equipment. Automakers all over the world will be encouraged to develop a car that runs on bass... the harder and louder the bass, the faster the car will go...

9) Any time the US military hits the enemy, it will not be called a battle or attack.... you will say "N***az getting blasted"

10) You want to get ahead... WORK FOR IT.... you wanna keep what you got, you got the right to defend yourself if someone tries to "jack" you...

Those are the high points of the supposed "negrocon" conspiracy...

My thanks to Darkkan for bringing up the fact that there are people who believe there is such a thing, and for coming up with the term Negro-con.

NOTE: The original posting was done at, and was originally a humorous satire on conspiracy theories. It has now become a working, though as yet small, worldview :D

Oh, and Darkkan of CivilizedDebate had some additions to the original post, as well.
And here they are:

You are very welcome. I'm just happy to contribute to the cause. A few additions, if I may:

Silver and white gold jewelry will no longer be tolerated. You gots to wear the real gold, the yellow gold, cuz it ain't bling-bling unlessun it gots a Mr.T thang.

The word "ask" has been formally replaced by the word "ax" any fool caught saying "ask" will now be refered to as a "cracker".

Rap will now be the third 'R' in academia (as in reading, writing, and rappin').

The TV network UPN will be renamed BET (Black Entertainment) and BET will be renamed Uncle Tom's Network for Whitey Wanna-Be'z (UTNWWB).

Charles Barkley will replace John Madden on Monday Night Football.

Britney will be replaced by Beyonce.

All old TV shows will be recolorized to reflect diversity in the following ways: Gilligan will be black. Genie will be black. Dezi Arnez will be a black Cuban. Bryant Gumbel will really be black. Templeton Peck will be black. Daisy Duke will be black. Lassie will be black. J.R. Ewing will be black. Aunt Bea will be black and Opie will be an Sudanese orphan. My favorite Matian- black. Bugs Bunny- black. Dick Van Dyke- black. Johnny Carson- black. Starsky and Hutch will be brothas. Cagney and Laci will be sistas. And Ben Cartwright will now be an African immigrant. That is all.

More from DSDunlap of

Also: The Autobiography of Malcolm X will be REQUIRED reading...

Oh... and Congress, when declaring war, will no longer go through long discourses with the enemy to declare war... instead they will simply play LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"

When launching war-ending attacks, the song to be played will be "Death Blow" by Kool Moe Dee.

In the UN, the American representative will play Biz Markie's "The Vapors" in order to describe those nations who hated us before, but are now trying to get something from us by being nice to us.

"Yo mama...." jokes will be the official State Department method of taunting enemy nations.

The Preamble to the Constitution will be, "We the Peeps of the United States, in order to get this mutha straight, establish justice, ensure that we be calm and peaceful, keep enemy muthaf***as out, help folks go for theirs, and guarantee tha goods of liberty fo' ourselves and our kids, do call for and set off this Constitution for the United States of America..."