Thursday, October 06, 2005

Roy Moore Scares Me Shitless

And for someone as full of shit as I am, thats saying something.

From the AP:

The man who lost his job as Alabama chief justice in a Ten Commandments controversy is running for governor.

Roy Moore became a hero to the Christian right when he refused to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the courthouse.

He announced today that he'll run for governor next year.

That could set up a showdown with fellow Republican Bob Riley, the incumbent governor. And it could make the Ten Commandments dispute a central campaign issue.

Two Democrats, Lieutenant Governor Lucy Baxley and former Governor Don Siegelman, are already running.

What does a state operating under a flawed bugetary system, smothering in the iron grip of well-heeled labor unions, laden with corruption, financially strapped, and fiscally backward desperately need?
An utterly useless debate over the ten commandments, apparently.
As the state goes broke and revenue disappears faster than federal tax dollars into Louisiana, it looks like Alabamians can look forward to a healthy discussion on issues that really matter. Namely- a famous/infamous two ton chunk of rock and its role in our government.

No, I'm not talking about Ted Kennedy, its the ten commandments monument, silly. I don't know about you folks, but my feeling is that if God (if He does exist and gives a rat's anus about the fortunes and follies of man) wanted a piece of granite standing in our court and state houses, He could put one there Himself without the help of Mr. Moore and without spending my tax dollars on them. Since I haven't heard of any such monuments falling from the sky, I'm just going to assume that God, like myself, doesn't give a shit one way or the other.

Enter Roy Moore, his devoted admirers, various anti-Christian forces, church/state separation advocates, a host of media reps, and an over-reaching federal judge in a pear tree. All of them determined to give enough of a shit to make the rest of us vomit in terror. Is this politics or Sunday school? Is it even legal for me to ask that question?
Outside of the most extreme 10% on either side of the political spectrum, who really cares if the rock is inside the building or outside the building? Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that an eyesore is an eyesore regardless of where you place it. I think I speak for a majority of people when I say that smacking all those above-mentioned people upside the head with a pillowcase full of weasel shit would not only be great entertainment, it would be a public service worthy of high praise.

The hell of it is, Moore may actually be the best candidate in a field so distasteful that God Himself has probably considered dropping monuments on each and every one of them. Riley is a lying, spineless RINO who sold his soul to special interests on his first day in office and tried to force huge tax hikes on Alabamians on his second. Siegelman is a crook who is still fending off corruption charges from his own short-lived stint as governor, but is the only candidate even willing to consider a state lottery (lotteries are evil, ya know. eeeevilll). And Baxley is a complete dumbass who managed to get elected Lt. governor on the strength of name recognition (the Baxleys are a big deal in AL) and despite having had a large portion of her frontal lobe removed sometime after marrying into the Baxley family but before she began speaking in public.

All of which makes not a bit of difference as nearly all polls (excluding the poll on Siegelman's website, which had Moore up by 3 points as of yesterday) show Moore with double digit leads over any and all comers. He was a shoo-in before he even announced.
Moore has become a folkhero in this state, he symbolizes authority and rebellion all at the same time to a great many people. Its an amazing thing to witness. This state is as red as any, solid Bush country to be sure. But the average Roy Moore fanatic would happily stomp on Bush's balls and grind them with his or her heel for a chance to shake Moore's hand. Rumors of a Moore candidacy have been around for months, a constant buzz that climaxed yesterday when he finally made it official. Ever since then, it seems that a great many folks can barely restrain the urge to break out in spontaneous ticker-tape parades. I've been following politics since I was 16 and I've never seen anything quite like the Roy Moore revolution that's going on in AL today.
The election is a mere formality and I'm sure that sculptors across the state are sharpening their chisels and boning up on their commandment knowledge.


To Moore's credit, he at least feins an interest in discussing issues not related to or contained within the ten commandments. As he made the rounds on the local talk radio shows today I was taken aback by the things callers kept asking him about. He was called 'The Ten Commandments Governor,' he was asked to recount the weeks when the commandmentgate scandal was raging. He was repeatedly told that he was a 'soldier of God' and asked about biblical scriptures. Many a stout sounding redneck professed love for him.

But its not just white, card carrying members of the Christian right behind Moore. Its black Christian democrats. Its hispanics. Its average Joe and Jane Alabamian who don't even go to church, but by God they support Roy Moore and his ten commandments monument. To all those people and more he has attained a status above mortal man, he's a prophet and a savior rolled into one. He's all that, a bag of chips, and tickets to Talladega.

The state desperately needs someone who will stand up to the special interests that have way too many state reps in their pockets, expose the rampant corruption in the legislature, and bring some semblance of accountability to the state's political class. Roy Moore could very well be that someone, or he might run the state into the ground and treat us all to news footage of himself being carted off by federal agents after defiantly trying to wheel huge monuments into the state house with a rope and some handtrucks.
Either way, unless he sprouts horns and a tail, I doubt his approval rating will drop below 65%.

Moore may be the perfect man for this job at this time, but its just as possible that he intends to launch a crusade in the name of God and the ten commandments that will succeed only in making the state a laughingstock and pissing me right the fuck off.
There is no doubt; Moore will be elected, the question is- will Roy Moore serve his term or will his God serve it for him?
Alabama has enough God, hell, we've got a God surplus, what we need is a governor.


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